For as long as I can remember, I have had anxiety. Even as a kid. What I thought was me just being painfully shy, I realized later, was anxiety. I have severe generalized anxiety. Everything makes me anxious. Going somewhere new, a meeting at work, going to the vet/dr./etc., waiting on the mail…I could go on. I know to a lot of people, this list sounds ridiculous, but that’s just how my anxiety works.
I used to be really embarrassed to talk about my anxiety. Mental health was taboo for so long. Because of this, I didn’t seek help for many years. I was in my late twenties when I finally tried anxiety medication for the first time. Let me tell you, this journey of finding the right medication has been exhausting. I am now almost 40 and I still haven’t found what works for me. Admittedly, part of this was my previous doctor who was adamant about switching medications often if they didn’t immediately work for me. I now have a new doctor and she is working with me on finding something with the least amount of side effects that actually works for my anxiety.
What it’s like (for me) having anxiety
If I have to go somewhere I have never been, I will research the heck out of the place. Is there free parking? Is it street parking? Is there a parking lot? Where do I go when I get inside? How long will it take me to get there? Once I get all that figure out, I somehow still end up 30 minutes early and have to sit in my car because I am too anxious to go inside that early.
If I have a doctor’s appointment and they say to get there 15 minutes before my appointment, my anxiety makes me get there 15 minutes before the 15 minutes they told me…again arriving 30 minutes early.
I have a weekly meeting with my boss at work. It’s always a casual conversation, just a check in of sorts to see what’s going on. This meeting always makes me incredibly anxious and there is absolutely no reason for me to feel this way.
These are just a small example of things that make me anxious. I can never shut my brain off. It’s constantly going “what if? what if? what if?” On top of that, I will remember mundane conversations from years ago and cringe at things I said…worrying that maybe the person I was talking to remembers as well. But, they are literally unimportant conversations and the other person definitely does not remember them.
Things I do to help my anxiety
Yoga
Reading
Hang out with my husband and/or dogs
Medication
Journaling
Talk about it
I am still struggling with my anxiety every day. I haven’t yet found a medication that works for me without significant side effects (most of them make me too tired to function). I’m a work in progress and, honestly, I’m ok with that.
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